The Demon Rum

My relationship with Kim is not perfect. We fight. HARD. But never for long, and for the most part no apology is required. We forgive each other without holding grudges.

Kim is thirteen years older than me, and that causes problems all on its own. There are times she thinks I have the maturity of a rock in mud, and there are times I think she should relax a bit. But there are other times when those two mindsets are completely reversed.

But the thing that causes the most issues is alcohol. Kim has been drinking for as long as I've been alive. I've been drinking half of my life. Kim is a self-confessed alcoholic. And for the most part she has been drinking for the last eight months.

Her body cannot support the amount of alcohol she needs to just "survive," so she ends up in the hospital within a week of starting again.

She has not been drinking for the last week. She has been doing wonderful. But I am scared. When she drinks she quits life. It becomes her life. She doesn't sleep, or eat, or try to improve our lives. She tells me about how horrible she is for me. She tells me I should leave.

And there are times that I want to. I know as I think it, I'm not going to, and I don't actually want to, but I want her to be healthy and strong and vital. I want her to be like she is when she's not drinking. Driven.

When she's not drinking she tries to improve her life, my life, our lives. When she's not drinking I feel like this all just might work. We might get the amazing debt to my mother and sister paid off. I might get a job that I will be able to stay at. We may get to a point where her daughter really will be able to come stay with us. We may get to a point where I am not terrified to let my family come visit me.

She knows all this, but she routinely does not get support to help her. She has to this time.

I am getting so tired. She is so tired. I love her. I want her to be healthy. I need her to be healthy.

Rhyme and Reason

I've been trying to figure this life stuff out. Has anyone ever noticed how weird it is?

Pretend you are complete stranger who has followed every move you've ever made and knows everything about you. Look at what has gone on in your life through the eyes of this stranger and seriously try to make sense of it. Trust me, it's NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

Think about the people in your life, the decisions you've made, the reasons behind those decisions at the time. Does any of it make sense? Probably not.

I have been thinking about that, and really life is a crazy ride, isn't it?

There is no reason behind any of it. Five years ago, I would have thought my life would be completely different. I would've thought I'd be all edjamacated and married and well on my way to fertility treatments and kids by now. Instead, I figured out the guy I thought I was going to be married to is a complete creep and that feeling I'd been having since, I don't know, roundabout MIDDLE SCHOOL, that girls were all purtty and maybe even kissable was a little more than a feeling.

I'm not who I thought I'd be then. I'm not who I wanted to be then. But I am who I want to be now. But I'm still trying to find reason behind it. I'm still trying to figure it out. And the craziest thing is I'm still trying to figure out who I'll be in five years.