Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Yesterday it came

See told you. I just had to wait long enough. I could feel the fog of depression lifting for days. That is the worse. When you know it's almost over, but it isn't quite there yet. You have something to look forward to, but you can't because you are depressed.

But yesterday, I woke up and I didn't want to weep first thing. Or scream. I was able to talk to Kim and it was all right. I didn't blow up. I didn't stomp off. She was able to say things without me taking them personally all the time.

And then today, something wonderful happened. This morning Kim agreed to go to a detox and counseling facility. It is three to five days long, and then she can go into intensive outpatient. My silent goals and prayers are that she stay the whole time, that she really work on it, and that she keeps up the momentum when all is said and done.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

the calm after the storm

A part of me is afraid that I stay because going home would mean cutting down on my own drinking. I don't know that this is actually true, because WEEKS can go by where I can control or even completely stop my own alcohol intake. I almost always end up drinking too much again, but I can usually stop within a day or two and just not drink or control it in such a way that I can function normally again.

I get scared of so many things. And then there comes a moment where there is that calm. That place where you know everything is going to be okay. Sometimes it's fleeting, but it always comes. I am waiting for it right now.

*sits back and waits*

Saturday, March 17, 2007

I sit here sipping my margarita, and I cry. I know on monday she will buy rum. I know by Friday she will be sick. I know that she is going to make me sick. I know that I have a choice. But I'm not strong enough. How do I become strong enough?

Friday, March 16, 2007

The Demon Rum

My relationship with Kim is not perfect. We fight. HARD. But never for long, and for the most part no apology is required. We forgive each other without holding grudges.

Kim is thirteen years older than me, and that causes problems all on its own. There are times she thinks I have the maturity of a rock in mud, and there are times I think she should relax a bit. But there are other times when those two mindsets are completely reversed.

But the thing that causes the most issues is alcohol. Kim has been drinking for as long as I've been alive. I've been drinking half of my life. Kim is a self-confessed alcoholic. And for the most part she has been drinking for the last eight months.

Her body cannot support the amount of alcohol she needs to just "survive," so she ends up in the hospital within a week of starting again.

She has not been drinking for the last week. She has been doing wonderful. But I am scared. When she drinks she quits life. It becomes her life. She doesn't sleep, or eat, or try to improve our lives. She tells me about how horrible she is for me. She tells me I should leave.

And there are times that I want to. I know as I think it, I'm not going to, and I don't actually want to, but I want her to be healthy and strong and vital. I want her to be like she is when she's not drinking. Driven.

When she's not drinking she tries to improve her life, my life, our lives. When she's not drinking I feel like this all just might work. We might get the amazing debt to my mother and sister paid off. I might get a job that I will be able to stay at. We may get to a point where her daughter really will be able to come stay with us. We may get to a point where I am not terrified to let my family come visit me.

She knows all this, but she routinely does not get support to help her. She has to this time.

I am getting so tired. She is so tired. I love her. I want her to be healthy. I need her to be healthy.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Coming out: The changes a couple of decades can make

Kim and I have talked about the differences in our "coming out" a lot. The amount of differences aren't that surprising when you think about the times. She came out in the late eighties and I came out this year.

The first difference is that I barely had to "come out" at all. Kim and I flirted, talked, had fun and then I moved in with her. I told my family that I loved Kim and there were one or two conversations about the fact that Kim was, indeed, a woman. There were no big declarations, really. I told my friends by casually mentioning that "hey, this is my girlfriend." and not a single one of them were shocked or dismayed. I have not been disowned, threatened, or even merely groaned at because of this.

Kim however, had to make the information known. And her family still doesn't accept her as they should. Her mother "tolerates" her, but does not accept her. I am "her", "that woman", and most commonly, "your friend."

Another huge difference is that I don't look over my shoulder to find out who is watching me all the time. Kim came out in a time where gays and lesbians were not very much accepted at all. We all still have a very long way to go, but that is not so much the case anymore. There are still some hateful people out there who wouldn't mind "teaching those girls a lesson" but they are the exception to the rule.

Kim is constantly aware of who is around us. She makes sure that if she leans over and kisses me or pats me on the shoulder, that neither of us would be in danger if one of us were to walk away. There are times this is frustrating, but I also get why she does it. Part of it is simply that I am too trusting of other people no matter what situation I am in, and part of it is because she has been conditioned not to trust that people will just accept that she is a lesbian until they have proven themselves.

By the time I was in middle school some of my classmates had come out. By high school many of my closest friends were lesbians and gays. I can't remember a time where I didn't know someone who was gay. Kim is completely stunned by this. She is stunned by the ease in which her daughter can talk about her friends and their teenaged love lives and not even take a second to distinguish between her straight friends and her gay friends. Jenny and Nancy's story comes out (pun is accidental) the same way Fred and Lisa's story does. She is stunned that some of my oldest friends were firmly and completely out by the time they were thirteen or fourteen years old. Not only were they out, they were accepted.

I'm not saying that it is always this way. Some people are still completely unaccepted by their families and their peers. And gays and lesbians still have a long way to go in terms of rights and representation. But the atmosphere is stunningly different now.

It's exciting to think about. You can feel the changes in your veins.