Yesterday it came

See told you. I just had to wait long enough. I could feel the fog of depression lifting for days. That is the worse. When you know it's almost over, but it isn't quite there yet. You have something to look forward to, but you can't because you are depressed.

But yesterday, I woke up and I didn't want to weep first thing. Or scream. I was able to talk to Kim and it was all right. I didn't blow up. I didn't stomp off. She was able to say things without me taking them personally all the time.

And then today, something wonderful happened. This morning Kim agreed to go to a detox and counseling facility. It is three to five days long, and then she can go into intensive outpatient. My silent goals and prayers are that she stay the whole time, that she really work on it, and that she keeps up the momentum when all is said and done.

the calm after the storm

A part of me is afraid that I stay because going home would mean cutting down on my own drinking. I don't know that this is actually true, because WEEKS can go by where I can control or even completely stop my own alcohol intake. I almost always end up drinking too much again, but I can usually stop within a day or two and just not drink or control it in such a way that I can function normally again.

I get scared of so many things. And then there comes a moment where there is that calm. That place where you know everything is going to be okay. Sometimes it's fleeting, but it always comes. I am waiting for it right now.

*sits back and waits*

I sit here sipping my margarita, and I cry. I know on monday she will buy rum. I know by Friday she will be sick. I know that she is going to make me sick. I know that I have a choice. But I'm not strong enough. How do I become strong enough?

The Demon Rum

My relationship with Kim is not perfect. We fight. HARD. But never for long, and for the most part no apology is required. We forgive each other without holding grudges.

Kim is thirteen years older than me, and that causes problems all on its own. There are times she thinks I have the maturity of a rock in mud, and there are times I think she should relax a bit. But there are other times when those two mindsets are completely reversed.

But the thing that causes the most issues is alcohol. Kim has been drinking for as long as I've been alive. I've been drinking half of my life. Kim is a self-confessed alcoholic. And for the most part she has been drinking for the last eight months.

Her body cannot support the amount of alcohol she needs to just "survive," so she ends up in the hospital within a week of starting again.

She has not been drinking for the last week. She has been doing wonderful. But I am scared. When she drinks she quits life. It becomes her life. She doesn't sleep, or eat, or try to improve our lives. She tells me about how horrible she is for me. She tells me I should leave.

And there are times that I want to. I know as I think it, I'm not going to, and I don't actually want to, but I want her to be healthy and strong and vital. I want her to be like she is when she's not drinking. Driven.

When she's not drinking she tries to improve her life, my life, our lives. When she's not drinking I feel like this all just might work. We might get the amazing debt to my mother and sister paid off. I might get a job that I will be able to stay at. We may get to a point where her daughter really will be able to come stay with us. We may get to a point where I am not terrified to let my family come visit me.

She knows all this, but she routinely does not get support to help her. She has to this time.

I am getting so tired. She is so tired. I love her. I want her to be healthy. I need her to be healthy.